Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Crap
5 June 2008 in Blog | Comments enabled

I guess you can tell by the title of this post what I thought of the new Indiana Jones movie. I’m honestly baffled that it’s getting any positive reviews at all. In my opinion it’s much worse than any of the Star Wars prequels which are pretty much universally loathed. If you haven’t seen it, my advice is to skip it. Your life will be better for not having seen this steaming pile of dung. However, if you plan on ignoring my advice, be warned. There be spoilers ahead.

Still with me? Ok. Here we go.

First problem. The beginning. The first three movies start with the end of some other adventure Indy was on. It didn’t have anything to do with the movie we were about to see. The idol in Raiders, Nurhache and the diamond in Temple, and the Cross of Coronado in Last Crusade. This latest movie, starts right into the story. (I use this term loosely as there really is very little story.) Now, some may say I’m just being nostalgic here, that there really is no reason to stick to the established form of the previous movies, but I would disagree. The openings of the previous movies helped to establish our hero as part of a larger world. They added mystery to the character. We never really knew all that much about Indy. The new movie, missed an opportunity to show us what Indy’s life is like 20 years later. Sure we’re told he was in the OSS, but why not start it off by showing us that.

Next thing that really bugged me was the complete and utter implausibility of it. I know all the critics are saying that the old movies were just as silly and unbelievable, but that just isn’t so. The original movies would go just up to the edge of believability and then take one step over the line. In Raiders and Last Crusade, nothing supernatural happens until the end. In Temple, the heart scene and Indy under mind control happen in the middle, but are the only examples of anything mystical. These movies presented our world as a great big mysterious world where magical things just might really happen. The new movie went so far over the line of believability that I was fully aware that I was watching a movie. It never sucked me in and made me believe in magic like the original movies.

Then there was Indy himself. In the original movies, Indy was human. That is what made him so great. His plans never worked. He was always a step behind. He frequently got caught, but always managed to make it out just in the nick of time. He always seemed to be in danger. In the new movie, at the very beginning, he survives a nuclear blast! Let me say that again. HE SURVIVES A NUCLEAR BLAST! It was at that point in the movie that I lost all interest. Where is the danger? If an atom bomb can’t kill him, why on earth should I be fearful that the Russians might kill him

Then there was the confusing story. There were setups without payoffs. Pointless plot points. A confusing macguffin. Does anyone know what the skull was supposed to do and why we didn’t want the Russians to have it? I haven’t a clue. Why not let them take it to the space ship and get destroyed, which is what happens anyway?

I could go on and on about how much I hated this movie, but I’ll leave it at that. I’m going to forget it ever came out and pretend I live in a world with three Indiana Jones films instead of four.

What did you think of the movie?